Ghoulies (1985) & Miner's Massacre (2002)

Two movies in this post because neither one is worthy of a full post.

Ghoulies has a very misleading title. It makes you think you're going to see little creatures running around and causes havoc, but really, what you see is a story imitating a Lovecraft imitation. Some guy inherits a mansion, and while he's exploring it, he feels the need to practice black magic, because his dad was a great magician or something. Bad shit happens, and the ghoulies spend about ten minutes killing his friends. Then, the movie ends with an "OH SHIT!" moment that shows that the creators have a sequel planned. Hope the monsters actually do something in that sequel.

Miner's Massacre, also known as Curse of the Forty-Niner, is a ripoff of Leprechaun, except instead of a chatty, sometimes funny little person, we get a silent hulk. When his gold is taken, an angry miner returns from the dead to kill all those who have it. Seriously, it's fucking Leprechaun. Plus, the deaths are quick and unsatisfying, and the acting sucks. A completely pointless movie.

Pieces of Shit

I've been neglecting this lately, and that's too bad, but I have not stopped loving all things horror. I've just loathed the thought of trying to come up with a decent review to put here. So, from now on, to keep me writing something, I won't be posting full reviews of movies. Instead, I'll be posting snippets about what I've watched and what I think about it. Simple, informal, and probably not helpful to anyone, but it's something.

Now, I will talk about some movies that I have watched recently that are horrible and should not be viewed by anyone.

The Nun
The ghost of a nun returns 18 years later to take revenge on the students who killed here. It's boring, long, and the twist at the end is ridiculously stupid and nonsensical.

Prom Night (2008)
Killer teacher breaks out of the nuthouse to be with the student he is obsessed with, killing all who stand in his way. Predictable, unoriginal, and rated PG-13, which means no tits or gore. Completely worthless. One of the worst ways to spend an hour and a half. Also, nothing like the original.

Resurrection Mary (2005)
Man afraid of marriage has an almost-affair with a girl who turns out to be a ghost, and bad shit happens. Stupid plot that betrays the legend of Resurrection Mary by turning her into a killer. Could have been a good ghost story but instead is a slasher-esque pile of crap.

The Harvest
Writer goes to Mexico to learn about a murder, meets a woman, gets his kidney stolen, and that's about it. A thriller that doesn't thrill at all. It takes forever for something to happen, and when something does finally happen, it isn't satisfying at all. Furthermore, the twist right before the end of the movie is dumb and shows just how bad an idea this movie was. The twist at the very end of the movie is good, but it's not worth watching the whole fucking thing.

Funny Games (2008)

Ever heard of the game Postal 2? In the game, there are very long load times and incredibly annoying music, meant to piss you off. This movie is like Postal 2. Except, in that game, you get to take out your frustrations by killing people. No such luck here. There is no catharsis, no satisfactory ending, nothing at all to make you feel good. It's just a steaming pile of shit.

At first, you can't even tell that this is a horror movie. For a good, long time, nothing happens. You get a feel for the three family members, but mostly, it's just a bunch of shots of them living their normal lives. Then, a young man appears asking for some eggs, and nothing happens for another ten minutes. There's some suspense, because you know this guy is one of the bad guys, because that's what all the trailers say, and that's just how the movie goes, but because you know all this, it's not that satisfying. That, and the fact that it takes forever for something to actually happen. A woman walking into the room where Michael Myers is hiding, that's suspenseful. A shot of the woman reading a magazine for ten minutes while Michael stands in the closet, that's boring.

When the movie finally starts up, the response isn't, "Man, this is going to be so cool." Right from the get go, you feel uncomfortable. The violence is real. Too real, as a matter of fact. It's not exaggerated, and the people don't deserve it in the least. It is pure violence for the sake of violence. No laughs. No gory special effects. No way to not take it seriously. It will make you feel like shit. And the violence isn't the only unsavory part of the movie. There are a ton of useless scenes here. For example, there's "watch man blow-dry a cell phone for a full minute" and "exterior of a house during the middle of the night, with indistinct sounds, for thirty seconds." These are pointless and serve no purpose other than to piss off the audience even more.

Now, some movies make you feel like shit while watching it, only to make you love them afterwards, because they've said something important or true. This is the case with Requiem for a Dream and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Funny Games is not one of those movies. There is absolutely nothing to learn, no big truths about the world, no redeeming factor of any kind, in this movie. At the end, you will feel like crap, and you will have learned nothing. You'll have wasted an hour and fifty minutes, all for nothing. I wish I had never watched this movie. I wish I had instead spent the time watching reruns of Roseanne. That would have been a better use of my time.