Mister Frost (1990)

I found this movie while going through Comcast's many free On-Demand movies. I had never heard of it before, but it starred Jeff Goldblum and was about the devil, so I figured I'd give it a shot. What I got was an above-average horror movie, which unfortunately makes for only an average movie, independent of genres.

That is more a critique of horror movies as a whole than praise for Mister Frost. No, this movie doesn't deserve praise. It's simply better than a lot of the other crap that's out there.

Jeff Goldblum plays a mass murderer that claims to be the devil. He admits to having a dead body on the premises when a police inspector shows up one day and offers no resistance whatsoever as the police dig up his yard and find the many corpses. He is smug, as if he is untouchable. This is pleasant for the first half of the movie, as we see him interact with the other characters, but as the film goes on, and the mystery and intrigue fade, it becomes boring. Goldblum, as the devil, does nothing himself but sit and talk, and he only talks to one person, a female psychiatrist will who supposedly help him regain his grasp on the world. The movie makes up for this by having a lot of things happen, interrupting the many conversations between Goldblum and the doctor, but once everything is out of the bag, and it's clear what's going to happen, you just don't care. All interest is lost, because even the plights of the other characters mean nothing. It all goes back to the devil and the doctor, and there's no suspense there.

However, like I said, this is an above-average horror movie. The first half of it is really good. If you get bored after forty minutes, turn it off and make up your own conclusion. It'll probably be better than the actual end of the movie.

Neglected No More

God, it's been a while since I've posted here. I'd feel bad about that, if anybody read this. But maybe people will actually read it now, since I've decided to start linking to it as I make my various journeys across the internet.

I haven't stopped loving horror, of course, but I did take a break for about a month and a half. In October, I decided that I wanted to watch one horror movie a day (or average that, at least), and I accomplished that goal. Unfortunately, a lot of the movies I saw were crap. (Thanks, FEARnet!) Thanks to that, I got sick of watching horror movies. Even though I tried to go in with no expectations whatsoever, I still ended disappointed, and often yawning before the movie had even reached the halfway point. So, in October, I watched thirty-one movies, and in November and December combined, I watched six. Bad way to end the year.

I went on a horror comic binge for a while, reading some very good things that I hope to eventually share here, but I got tired of that before too long. I live my life in waves, it seems. Something will intensely hold my interest for a while, but then the tide will pull back, and I'll move on. But the tide always returns, and with it, my devotion. Really, all I can hope to do is not let years go by before I let the tide of horror wash over me again.

My love was rekindled recently by new horror manga translations, thanks to a fellow named Daniel Lau. He scanlated some Junji Ito stuff, and I lapped it up. I've found a fair bit of horror manga out there, but none of it has struck me the way Ito's stuff has. (Except for Fuan no Tane, but there isn't a lot of that, and the author's other works aren't horror.) There's a lot of Ito stuff that isn't available in English, and it looks like Mr. Lau is the best shot we have of getting it.

Inspired by Ito's gruesome work, I've started watching horror movies again, and I'm planning to start reading the horror comics I've had on my computer for the past couple of months. I'm jumping back into the pit. I'll share my thoughts here, so people with similar tastes can be satiated and not have to go through the trouble I do.

Them (2006)

Them (also know as Ils) is a French film about a couple terrorized by strange people. This has been seen in Funny Games and The Strangers, but what sets this movie apart is that it does things right.

First, we do not see the attackers. For a long time, we don't see them at all, which makes you wonder if this isn't a movie about ghosts terrorizing a couple. When we finally do catch a glimpse, we only see their feet. This lets the viewer come up with his/her own idea of who the attackers are. It's been said so many times, because it's true - what you don't see is scarier than what you do. Funny Games and The Strangers lack a lot of suspense because you constantly see the attackers and know what they're doing. In Them, you don't see them, so you don't know if they're right outside the door, downstairs, or already in the room. You don't know what weapons they have, so you feel more tense, because they could be unarmed and easy to take down, or they could be packing some serious heat, and going head-on against them could result in immediate death.

Second, the characters act like real people. No stupid decisions that no person could make, even if they were scared to death. And no superhuman shit that tips in the odds in their favor by throwing rationale out the window. The man and woman act the way any person would, and that means they take some damage but aren't sitting sheep the entire time.

Finally, the movie is short, which I've found to be a blessing with most horror movies. Coming in at about an hour and fifteen minutes, Them accomplishes what it set out to do, spook the audience, without a bunch of useless scenes that explain that the woman has issues with her mother or that the couple is on the rocks or anything else that doesn't matter. The couple is being chased in their own home late at night; that is enough to make us sympathize with them and feel the terror they feel. Too many horror movies try to skim over the horror in favor of characterization (despite usually lacking the ability to proper characterize). Them says, "Fuck characterization! We're going to focus on making you sit on the edge of your seat." Good choice.

This movie won't be great for repeat viewings, but that could be said of at least 90% of horror all movies. The fact that it's good enough to watch once sets up above most of the crap that floods the genre. That said, it is worth showing to your friends, so I can understand buying it. Just make sure you have a lot of friends.

Pieces of Shit

I've been neglecting this lately, and that's too bad, but I have not stopped loving all things horror. I've just loathed the thought of trying to come up with a decent review to put here. So, from now on, to keep me writing something, I won't be posting full reviews of movies. Instead, I'll be posting snippets about what I've watched and what I think about it. Simple, informal, and probably not helpful to anyone, but it's something.

Now, I will talk about some movies that I have watched recently that are horrible and should not be viewed by anyone.

The Nun
The ghost of a nun returns 18 years later to take revenge on the students who killed here. It's boring, long, and the twist at the end is ridiculously stupid and nonsensical.

Prom Night (2008)
Killer teacher breaks out of the nuthouse to be with the student he is obsessed with, killing all who stand in his way. Predictable, unoriginal, and rated PG-13, which means no tits or gore. Completely worthless. One of the worst ways to spend an hour and a half. Also, nothing like the original.

Resurrection Mary (2005)
Man afraid of marriage has an almost-affair with a girl who turns out to be a ghost, and bad shit happens. Stupid plot that betrays the legend of Resurrection Mary by turning her into a killer. Could have been a good ghost story but instead is a slasher-esque pile of crap.

The Harvest
Writer goes to Mexico to learn about a murder, meets a woman, gets his kidney stolen, and that's about it. A thriller that doesn't thrill at all. It takes forever for something to happen, and when something does finally happen, it isn't satisfying at all. Furthermore, the twist right before the end of the movie is dumb and shows just how bad an idea this movie was. The twist at the very end of the movie is good, but it's not worth watching the whole fucking thing.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

First, it needs to be said that if you hate slashers, you probably shouldn't watch this movie. It's just not for you.

Behind the Mask is like two movies. The first half of it is a mockumentary, with a journalist following a man who aspires to be a serial killer like Jason, Michael Myers, and Freddy Krueger (who exist in the world of the movie as real killers, not movie icons). This half has a good bit of comedy and pokes fun at slasher films, with the namesake of the film, Leslie, explaining how he carefully scoped out a girl to be his "survivor" and set up things in and around the house (where the killings will take place) to ensure that no one gets alive. It suggests that the actions of the supernatural killers are planned ahead with great thought and not done spur the moment. It is a business, and it takes a lot of work. This is very enjoyable, especially for those who have seen a lot of slasher movies.

The second half, however, is like a regular movie. A regular slasher, at that. There are one or two surprises, but they're very predictable and not surprising at all. Nothing great happens, and there isn't even any gore to spice things up. People get hit quickly and die quickly. This half is boring and should have been left on the cutting room floor. Sure, the movie wouldn't have made a lot of sense, but it would have been a better movie. The second half is exactly what was being made fun of in the first half, a generic slasher. It's a shame.

I want to recommend this movie, but I also want to say that you should fast-forward when the camera crew puts down their cameras and things get real. That way, you'll get to see what happens, and you won't have to waste forty minutes watching the same drivel you've already seen in a million other movies.

Funny Games (2008)

Ever heard of the game Postal 2? In the game, there are very long load times and incredibly annoying music, meant to piss you off. This movie is like Postal 2. Except, in that game, you get to take out your frustrations by killing people. No such luck here. There is no catharsis, no satisfactory ending, nothing at all to make you feel good. It's just a steaming pile of shit.

At first, you can't even tell that this is a horror movie. For a good, long time, nothing happens. You get a feel for the three family members, but mostly, it's just a bunch of shots of them living their normal lives. Then, a young man appears asking for some eggs, and nothing happens for another ten minutes. There's some suspense, because you know this guy is one of the bad guys, because that's what all the trailers say, and that's just how the movie goes, but because you know all this, it's not that satisfying. That, and the fact that it takes forever for something to actually happen. A woman walking into the room where Michael Myers is hiding, that's suspenseful. A shot of the woman reading a magazine for ten minutes while Michael stands in the closet, that's boring.

When the movie finally starts up, the response isn't, "Man, this is going to be so cool." Right from the get go, you feel uncomfortable. The violence is real. Too real, as a matter of fact. It's not exaggerated, and the people don't deserve it in the least. It is pure violence for the sake of violence. No laughs. No gory special effects. No way to not take it seriously. It will make you feel like shit. And the violence isn't the only unsavory part of the movie. There are a ton of useless scenes here. For example, there's "watch man blow-dry a cell phone for a full minute" and "exterior of a house during the middle of the night, with indistinct sounds, for thirty seconds." These are pointless and serve no purpose other than to piss off the audience even more.

Now, some movies make you feel like shit while watching it, only to make you love them afterwards, because they've said something important or true. This is the case with Requiem for a Dream and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Funny Games is not one of those movies. There is absolutely nothing to learn, no big truths about the world, no redeeming factor of any kind, in this movie. At the end, you will feel like crap, and you will have learned nothing. You'll have wasted an hour and fifty minutes, all for nothing. I wish I had never watched this movie. I wish I had instead spent the time watching reruns of Roseanne. That would have been a better use of my time.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Right off the bat, it needs to be said that this is not like the original Amityville Horror book or movie at all. They should have changed the windows of the house and the surnames of the families and called it The House that Murder Built or Crazy Shit in a Big Ass House.

This movie is enjoyable, in an action movie, the plot doesn't matter one bit, kind of way. There are a lot of creepy things and scares, but none of it is psychological. It's all, "Oh fuck, what the hell is that ugly thing?" But it works on that level (and only that level).

It's worth watching if you have time to waste or want some simple chills, but I don't know why anybody would buy this movie.