Them (2006)

Them (also know as Ils) is a French film about a couple terrorized by strange people. This has been seen in Funny Games and The Strangers, but what sets this movie apart is that it does things right.

First, we do not see the attackers. For a long time, we don't see them at all, which makes you wonder if this isn't a movie about ghosts terrorizing a couple. When we finally do catch a glimpse, we only see their feet. This lets the viewer come up with his/her own idea of who the attackers are. It's been said so many times, because it's true - what you don't see is scarier than what you do. Funny Games and The Strangers lack a lot of suspense because you constantly see the attackers and know what they're doing. In Them, you don't see them, so you don't know if they're right outside the door, downstairs, or already in the room. You don't know what weapons they have, so you feel more tense, because they could be unarmed and easy to take down, or they could be packing some serious heat, and going head-on against them could result in immediate death.

Second, the characters act like real people. No stupid decisions that no person could make, even if they were scared to death. And no superhuman shit that tips in the odds in their favor by throwing rationale out the window. The man and woman act the way any person would, and that means they take some damage but aren't sitting sheep the entire time.

Finally, the movie is short, which I've found to be a blessing with most horror movies. Coming in at about an hour and fifteen minutes, Them accomplishes what it set out to do, spook the audience, without a bunch of useless scenes that explain that the woman has issues with her mother or that the couple is on the rocks or anything else that doesn't matter. The couple is being chased in their own home late at night; that is enough to make us sympathize with them and feel the terror they feel. Too many horror movies try to skim over the horror in favor of characterization (despite usually lacking the ability to proper characterize). Them says, "Fuck characterization! We're going to focus on making you sit on the edge of your seat." Good choice.

This movie won't be great for repeat viewings, but that could be said of at least 90% of horror all movies. The fact that it's good enough to watch once sets up above most of the crap that floods the genre. That said, it is worth showing to your friends, so I can understand buying it. Just make sure you have a lot of friends.

Pieces of Shit

I've been neglecting this lately, and that's too bad, but I have not stopped loving all things horror. I've just loathed the thought of trying to come up with a decent review to put here. So, from now on, to keep me writing something, I won't be posting full reviews of movies. Instead, I'll be posting snippets about what I've watched and what I think about it. Simple, informal, and probably not helpful to anyone, but it's something.

Now, I will talk about some movies that I have watched recently that are horrible and should not be viewed by anyone.

The Nun
The ghost of a nun returns 18 years later to take revenge on the students who killed here. It's boring, long, and the twist at the end is ridiculously stupid and nonsensical.

Prom Night (2008)
Killer teacher breaks out of the nuthouse to be with the student he is obsessed with, killing all who stand in his way. Predictable, unoriginal, and rated PG-13, which means no tits or gore. Completely worthless. One of the worst ways to spend an hour and a half. Also, nothing like the original.

Resurrection Mary (2005)
Man afraid of marriage has an almost-affair with a girl who turns out to be a ghost, and bad shit happens. Stupid plot that betrays the legend of Resurrection Mary by turning her into a killer. Could have been a good ghost story but instead is a slasher-esque pile of crap.

The Harvest
Writer goes to Mexico to learn about a murder, meets a woman, gets his kidney stolen, and that's about it. A thriller that doesn't thrill at all. It takes forever for something to happen, and when something does finally happen, it isn't satisfying at all. Furthermore, the twist right before the end of the movie is dumb and shows just how bad an idea this movie was. The twist at the very end of the movie is good, but it's not worth watching the whole fucking thing.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

First, it needs to be said that if you hate slashers, you probably shouldn't watch this movie. It's just not for you.

Behind the Mask is like two movies. The first half of it is a mockumentary, with a journalist following a man who aspires to be a serial killer like Jason, Michael Myers, and Freddy Krueger (who exist in the world of the movie as real killers, not movie icons). This half has a good bit of comedy and pokes fun at slasher films, with the namesake of the film, Leslie, explaining how he carefully scoped out a girl to be his "survivor" and set up things in and around the house (where the killings will take place) to ensure that no one gets alive. It suggests that the actions of the supernatural killers are planned ahead with great thought and not done spur the moment. It is a business, and it takes a lot of work. This is very enjoyable, especially for those who have seen a lot of slasher movies.

The second half, however, is like a regular movie. A regular slasher, at that. There are one or two surprises, but they're very predictable and not surprising at all. Nothing great happens, and there isn't even any gore to spice things up. People get hit quickly and die quickly. This half is boring and should have been left on the cutting room floor. Sure, the movie wouldn't have made a lot of sense, but it would have been a better movie. The second half is exactly what was being made fun of in the first half, a generic slasher. It's a shame.

I want to recommend this movie, but I also want to say that you should fast-forward when the camera crew puts down their cameras and things get real. That way, you'll get to see what happens, and you won't have to waste forty minutes watching the same drivel you've already seen in a million other movies.

Funny Games (2008)

Ever heard of the game Postal 2? In the game, there are very long load times and incredibly annoying music, meant to piss you off. This movie is like Postal 2. Except, in that game, you get to take out your frustrations by killing people. No such luck here. There is no catharsis, no satisfactory ending, nothing at all to make you feel good. It's just a steaming pile of shit.

At first, you can't even tell that this is a horror movie. For a good, long time, nothing happens. You get a feel for the three family members, but mostly, it's just a bunch of shots of them living their normal lives. Then, a young man appears asking for some eggs, and nothing happens for another ten minutes. There's some suspense, because you know this guy is one of the bad guys, because that's what all the trailers say, and that's just how the movie goes, but because you know all this, it's not that satisfying. That, and the fact that it takes forever for something to actually happen. A woman walking into the room where Michael Myers is hiding, that's suspenseful. A shot of the woman reading a magazine for ten minutes while Michael stands in the closet, that's boring.

When the movie finally starts up, the response isn't, "Man, this is going to be so cool." Right from the get go, you feel uncomfortable. The violence is real. Too real, as a matter of fact. It's not exaggerated, and the people don't deserve it in the least. It is pure violence for the sake of violence. No laughs. No gory special effects. No way to not take it seriously. It will make you feel like shit. And the violence isn't the only unsavory part of the movie. There are a ton of useless scenes here. For example, there's "watch man blow-dry a cell phone for a full minute" and "exterior of a house during the middle of the night, with indistinct sounds, for thirty seconds." These are pointless and serve no purpose other than to piss off the audience even more.

Now, some movies make you feel like shit while watching it, only to make you love them afterwards, because they've said something important or true. This is the case with Requiem for a Dream and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Funny Games is not one of those movies. There is absolutely nothing to learn, no big truths about the world, no redeeming factor of any kind, in this movie. At the end, you will feel like crap, and you will have learned nothing. You'll have wasted an hour and fifty minutes, all for nothing. I wish I had never watched this movie. I wish I had instead spent the time watching reruns of Roseanne. That would have been a better use of my time.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Right off the bat, it needs to be said that this is not like the original Amityville Horror book or movie at all. They should have changed the windows of the house and the surnames of the families and called it The House that Murder Built or Crazy Shit in a Big Ass House.

This movie is enjoyable, in an action movie, the plot doesn't matter one bit, kind of way. There are a lot of creepy things and scares, but none of it is psychological. It's all, "Oh fuck, what the hell is that ugly thing?" But it works on that level (and only that level).

It's worth watching if you have time to waste or want some simple chills, but I don't know why anybody would buy this movie.

The House on the Borderland (Comic)

This comic (or "graphic novel," if you want to be uptight about it) is an adaptation of a 1908 novel written by William Hope Hodgson, a guy I had never heard of before picking this up. That's not surprising, seeing as he is one of many horror authors from the early twentieth century that are now all but unknown. But after reading this, I have a strong desire to hunt down the writings of Hodgson and his horror contemporaries, people who inspired H. P. Lovecraft himself.

The basic story is simple: Two guys walking across Europe run across some ruins near a large pit and find a book detailing the horrors that occured nearby. The nature of the horrors, however, are complex and disturbing. They include dreams that seem to be more real than reality, abominations that humans should never set their eyes upon, and a grand, cosmic evil that wants to use trespassers as a gateway to the human race. As with Lovecraft, you probably won't understand everything, asking questions like "What's so bad about a cloud in the sky?" but that's thinking too much. The point here is to feel the fear that the characters face, that fear of the unknown, of the immutable, of that which cannot be explained or contained. It's scary because it's a person trapped in a house with something that completely transcends humanity. It is madness and insanity. It is what should not be.

Since this is a comic book, art is important, and while you might dislike the art at first, after a while, you should realize that the art isn't supposed to be pretty or awe-inspiring. After that, you should like the art just fine. It does a good job of making things feel, well, wrong. The art isn't bad; it's simply not what you usually see in a comic. But this is a horror story, after all. It'd be bad if this looked like an issue of Superman or Captain America. Just go into it not expecting it to look cartooney or completely realistic. (Sorry if that isn't helpful. I'm not a big art person.)

I highly recommend this comic. It is a good read that will stay with you, as long as you have an open mind and are willing to think deeply about things. And maybe, it will turn you onto a horror author that most people have forgotten but who does deserve to be recognized.

Memories of Murder (2003)

First, I want to say that this is not a horror movie. It is a suspenseful drama that deals with murder. I am talking about it here because I, as a fan of horror, am interested in the subject of murder and enjoy things that deal with murder and serial killers and the like. This movie will not scare you or offer gruesome deaths that titillate; however, it will at times make you hold your breath and wince at the details of the deaths. Very simply - if you want a guy in a mask killing teenagers, this movie isn't for you; but if you like stories involving death and killing, you might enjoy this.

Memories of Murder is a 2003 South Korean film that is based on a true story. It starts in 1986 and shows detectives trying to find a serial killer who kills and rapes women on rainy nights. Since this is the 80s, and Korea, the detectives don't have a lot to work with. There's no DNA testing and no long list of possible suspects. Also, some of the detectives are incompetent and try to beat confessions out of innocent people, as if they only care about catching a culprit and not stopping the crimes.

The first half of the movie will probably make you laugh a bit. How can you not laugh when a detective stakes out a bathhouse, searching for men with shaved pubes because no pubic hair has been found at any of the crime scenes? But after an hour or so, things change, and there is no humor at all. It's as if the severity of what's been going on hits the director and the audience. No jokes, nothing even slightly humorous - just the cold, hard fact that every time they fail, another woman dies. That is when the movie really gets good (not to say that the first half is bad, just not as good as the second half). The intrigue of the case, the graphic details of the deaths, and the finding of a suspect that has to be guilty, they all lead to a satisfying conclusion that doesn't explain everything but is still a damn good ending. You might not like the facts that come with the ending, but you cannot say anything bad about the way the movie itself ends.

Like I said above, if you want a slasher or something gory or horrifying, this isn't the movie to watch. But if you enjoy hearing about murder cases and true crime mysteries, this is a great movie with few flaws.

Welcome to Shaggy's Horror Blog

Greetings. I am Shaggy. I've been a fan of horror since I was a little kid. Before I was even ten years old, I was reading Stephen King books, getting creeped out by Robert Stack's voice on Unsolved Mysteries, and watching every horror movie I could.

Unfortunately, throughout most of high school and my first years of college, my fascination with the macabre was ignored, in favor of pansy shit like feelings and love. But over the past year, I've gotten back in touch with those evil feelings of joy that can only come from seeing a person get shish kabobed in the face. And though the blog market is oversaturated, I have decided to make this blog, so I can have an outlet for my thoughts concerning everything horror. And so I will, hopefully, never again neglect my bloody mistress.

I'll be mainly posting reviews of the stuff that I watch and read. All types of movies - slashers, suspense, Asian horror, etc. - as well as books, comics, anime, and manga. Pretty much whatever I can get my hands on. I might even make a post about a Halloween episode of a sitcom.

Finally, if you have a suggestion for something I should watch or read, feel free to tell me. I am always looking for new stuff. I'm a pretty open-minded guy, and nice to boot, so never feel like you can't drop me a line, even if it's just to say hi.

That's it, boys and ghouls. (God bless you, Crypt Keeper.) The fun will start soon, so don't stay up too late, and remember to always look over your shoulder. Who knows what you might see behind you.